A New Lease on Life

Today I did something huge, but really small. I made some delicious baked bread that is easy and crazy unhealthy. I love this stuff and have been craving sweets. Well, I made the awesomeness, took a few bites, and threw the rest away. I was sitting there loving it when it dawned on me that if I'm not thrilled with my body, maybe I should be more thoughtful about what I put in it. It was oddly easy to get off my butt and throw the tasty treat away.

In other news, I got a job! An honest to goodness fulltime job. I am a teacher and am thrilled to have found this position. It feels like it is going to be a perfect fit. The interview and subsequent tour of the school felt right. I believe in the initial vibe when meeting the potential employer and coworkers. This is the first campus I've ever been to where every person was friendly from the moment I stepped out of my car.

Which brings me to my last thought. I want to be in the best physical shape I can before school starts. This mean two months of consistent exercise and watching what I eat. I'm already a pretty healthy eater, but I definitely need to step it up in terms of movement!

My goals:

Aqua Aerobics

Yoga

And maybe Tai Chi and/or Pilates

It is so wonderful to have this new job - I am filled with hope and motivation.

Fear

I miss writing. I miss sharing. I miss the feedback that the few readers I have give me. Why did I disappear again? Fear. And I don't want to be someone whose life is ruled by fear. Can I get past this? This overwhelming feeling holding me back? I hope so. Because if I am held back on a little inconsequential blog, clearly other parts of my life might be held back by fear too.

I Hate My Body.

It's true. I hate my body.

The weight (Ha!) of that sentence and truth is sinking in. It's one thing to think a negative thought over and over daily, it is quite another to see it in writing. My goal with this blog is to be open and honest. This is my truth. I hate my body. However, it's not like I am just sitting in front or the mirror staring at my flaws berating myself.

Drumroll please...

Today was day one of No Added Sweeteners!

When I woke up this morning, I didn't know that I was going to set this goal for myself. And I still have no clue what my ultimate plan is! All I know, is my body was craving sugar so strongly that I knew it was time to acknowledge I have a problem. Every minute that ticked by was accompanied with sugar tauntings! That is not normal. So I told myself I had to get through today without any added sweeteners. And I did it. It was hard. So freaking hard. Harder than I expected it to be. And you know what? I'm doing it again tomorrow.

Back At It

Today I am going to sign up for the gym again. It is important for my health that I get back into aqua aerobics and today is the day!

All I want right now is a soda. I am downing water and not allowing myself to have even a sip of soda. I realize I must seem as if I drink tons of soda, but I don't. It's just that a few sips a day are ever so nice. It was never my intention to drink a bit daily though. The time has come for me to cut it out again...

Which brings me to sugar. Last year I cut out ALL added sweeteners for a couple of months. It was a major challenge, but ultimately it made it possible for me to lose 17 pounds. Now I am debating - can I lose weight without eliminating all sweeteners? My issue is I don't want to go on a diet and I'm not sure no sugar will be sustainable for me. Perhaps it is a good way to get back on track. Definitely something to consider.

Effects of Family

The following post was written approximately 12 hours ago. My fear and anxiety have kept me from hitting the "publish" button. Here goes nothing...

I have been wanting to write again for months, but something crazy has been holding me back.

My goal is to be totally open and honest in all of my posts. I want to be able to write about anything without fear, but, unfortunately, I can't do that. Here's why...

A member of my family has borderline personality disorder. This makes it so she has erratic emotional outbursts regardless of what I do, and I worry how me being honest online will contribute to her extreme moods. This is almost silly because my blog is anonymous and so small. However, I can't help but have concern. She cyber stalks people who have ever been close to her and maybe she has discovered my little blog along the way. The thing is, if she had found it, I'm 99% sure she would have mentioned it at some point. She would be so hurt that I created this and chose not to share it with her.

Well. I do want to write again. It might seem nuts on my part, but the idea of hitting the "post" button is making my heart pound...